How Grounding Helped My Sex Life

There are many ways to improve your sex life. I used to think the only way to improve was to have more sex. Of course practice does help, but today I want to talk about an effective way to improve pleasure that doesn’t even involve sex!

Last year, I read a book called The Wild Woman’s Way by Michaela Boehm. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone carries inside two energies. She refers to these as the “go” and “flow” energies (aka Shiva and Shakti or “masculine” and “feminine”). “Go” is the consciousness energy. It stems from our head, it’s task oriented. Think of the energy you use when you’re sitting at a computer or trying to solve a problem with your mind. “Flow” on the other hand, is the active energy. It resides in our body and it’s active when your are in motion, present, and feeling pleasure. In our western culture, we emphasize and reward “go” mode most of the time and it can be easy to get stuck in this state -- to get stuck “in your head.” But both “go” and “flow” energies are needed to have a fulfilling sexual experience.

Many couples grapple with issues of sexual interest and initiation, especially in long term relationships. Couples may go through times of less sexual arousal and less fulfillment. The analogy used in the book goes like this: imagine being completely unexcited or unaroused as a “0” and having an orgasm as “100.” If you are working all day in “go” mode, you’re tired, stressed (maybe you hate your job), and come home to a horny partner, trying to achieve an orgasm is like going from 0-100. On the other hand, if you take time out of your day to intentionally nurture your “flow” energy, the next time you want to achieve an orgasm, you may only be going from 60-100.

This analogy changed the way I approach my sex life. One of the struggles I have with enjoying sex is that I get stuck in my head. If I think about wanting an orgasm too much, I can’t get there. Sometimes I worry about the other person so much, I can’t enjoy myself. If I’m stressed outside of the bedroom, I have trouble relaxing, and my mind wanders during sex. I’m stuck in “go” mode. Before reading this book, I hadn’t thought about trying body-conscious activities outside the bedroom to help improve pleasure in the bedroom.

Since finishing this book, I have been practicing grounding exercises and they have really enhanced my sex life. I consider a grounding exercise as anything that helps me connect with one or more of my five senses. One practice the book suggests is Michaela’s “Non-Linear Movement Method:” turn on a song (preferably with no words) and move to the music. You can call it dancing but it’s not really dancing. However you are compelled to move, do it. If this sounds too “strange” to you, there are plenty of other grounding exercises. Here are 3 of my favorites to bring me back into my body:

1) Walking Barefoot:

Connecting my feet with the earth calms my mind. I like walking on grass, especially, but you can walk barefoot on the beach, dirt, or even gravel (ouch). I use this activity because it activates my sense of touch and nature always makes me feel better. Studies have suggested a connection between this grounding exercise and reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and decreasing muscle tension. You can experience the same effects using your hands. For example, gardening without gloves on or climbing a tree (yes, I am a tree-hugger)! I leave my shoes off as much as possible and when I have an opportunity to put my feet in the dirt, I indulge.

2) Cooking

I love chopping fresh herbs like garlic, parsley, cilantro, sage, anything that has a strong scent. I enjoy this activity because it not only activates my sense of smell but I get to be creative, as well, in the cooking process. And who doesn’t like having a meal cooked for them? I get to enjoy grounding myself and then the reward of serving friends or family a delicious meal.

3) Sitting Quietly

I call this one sitting quietly instead of meditation, because sometimes meditation feels overwhelming. When I first tried meditating, I thought I was failing because I couldn’t clear my mind. You are not bad at meditating if you can’t clear your mind! The point is to sit quietly and focus on your breathing. If your mind starts to wander, just notice that it is wandering and gently bring your attention back to your breathing. It is natural to wander! Once I understood the point was not to clear my mind, I started getting more benefits out of my quiet time. This activity is most helpful when practiced daily -- all you need is 10-15 minutes! I feel more present and relaxed during this activity and after I’m finished, the feeling carries on throughout my day. Slowing down does wonders for the creative process, too.

The point of these activities is to get back in touch with my five senses. They help me feel more in touch with my body, where the “flow” energy stems. None of these activities are inherently sexual either, but they have improved my sex life. It’s hard to switch from “go go go” to “present, relaxed and sensual” at the drop of a hat (or pants). But if I’m practicing grounding exercises on a daily basis, I am primed for relaxation and pleasure. Instead of starting from 0, I’m starting from 50, 60, or 70 by the time I do anything sexy.

This book also made me think more deeply about the separation between mind awareness and body awareness. They do not have to be mutually exclusive but I realized I was definitely more in touch with one than the other. For me, it was the mind connection. Since I’ve started focusing more on grounding, my body connection has become stronger.

As I mentioned before, awareness of both mind and body are needed in order to have a fulfilling sexual adventure. In my experience, awareness is usually evenly split with one partner being more mind-conscious and one partner more body-conscious. I realize now the role of “submissive” is a much more body-conscious activity for me. As a stereotypical female, I have been used to playing this “role” for most of my active sex life. In hindsight, I wasn’t enjoying it to the fullest because I was stuck in my head most of the time. This focus on my mind is much more useful for a “dominant” role. Strengthening my mind-body connection has inspired me to switch between roles from dominant to submissive with more ease and enjoyment. If I’m feeling more “go,” I enjoy being dominant which looks like me leading the sexual experience and giving more than I’m receiving. If I’m feeling more “flow,” I enjoy being submissive which looks like me “following the leader” and receiving more than I’m giving. Sex is fun for me in a different way now. I feel like I have more control over my pleasure. It’s no longer all about the orgasm. Instead, it’s an entire experience that I get to create with my partner(s). As Dan Savage puts it, “sex is like cops and robbers with your clothes off,” so have fun with it!

What I Learned From Our Latest Snuggle Struggle

I got called out.

My husband and I got into an argument last night. He told me I “never” do this, or “always” do that and my ego wanted to jump in and say, “that’s impossible! You can’t use words like that!” I had to try hard to restrain myself and replace “never” and “always” with “sometimes.” I care more about the fact that he was hurt by this than the semantics of the argument. The other urge I had to fight off was the urge to keep score. I wanted to say “you should appreciate me more, I do [this, this, and this] for us and why didn’t you acknowledge any of those things.” But that wasn’t the point of this conversation and keeping score only makes things worse. The point was, my husband was feeling stressed and he was reaching out for help. He maybe wasn’t reaching out in the way I would have liked but I also understand he’s not the most tactful when he’s expressing anger.

Then he said something I was unprepared for. He said that I should stop focusing so much on not making people mad and focus more on what makes people happy. Ouch. I do focus a great deal of time worrying about making people mad or ruminating on whether or not I left someone uncomfortable after an interaction. The funny thing is, those two concepts sound almost like the same thing. I thought if I wasn’t making people mad, I must have been making them happy. I'm a little surprised how long my subliminal justification lasted.

For those of you who are thinking, “well what about his behavior? Are you not justifying his behavior by taking all of the blame? Girl, don’t let him talk to you like that!” No. I’m not taking all of the blame, and I believe he has just as much self development work to do as I and I wish that he had his own blog so you could hear his side of the story. But alas, this is my blog, and I am the hero. This is about my lesson, not his.

So here’s what I realized about trying not to make people mad versus trying to make people happy. The spectrum of emotions is vast. If I’m focusing so much on avoiding one feeling, that does not automatically mean I’m indulging it’s opposite. What’s really happening? By focusing on not hurting peoples feelings, I am tip-toeing around most of the time. And I think that people don’t notice it but they do! It might not be a conscious awareness but subconsciously, at the very least, people pick up on the energy I’m putting out. If feelings are energetic vibrations in our body, what kind of vibrations am I sending out by tip-toeing? I’m sending out anxiety, fear, worry, concern, apprehension, consternation (I just googled synonyms for anxiety). Those are the feelings I have when I tip-toe. Those are the signals I’m sending to the ones I love by “trying not to make them uncomfortable.” And furthermore, if I feel someone is sending me anxious vibes, I get very uncomfortable. Is trying not to make people uncomfortable a self-fulfilling prophecy?

What would it feel like if, instead of thinking about not making people mad, I thought about what makes them happy? What vibrations would I be sending out? If I think about what I believe makes people happy, I feel excitement, anticipation, joy, enthusiasm, elation, and happiness! I would much rather be sending out these vibes. I think I knew this instinctively as a child. I was playful and curious and made people laugh. How did I go from playful and curious to scared and angry?  

The part I love the most about these arguments with my husband (yes, I said love) are the endings. I come out of every argument with a deeper understanding of my partner and myself. We end each argument with a commitment or a realization. After this conversation, I committed to asking myself, “what do I think would make my husband happy, today,” instead of tip-toeing around, anxiously thinking about what might make him upset. He acknowledged his outbursts are a result of not expressing his emotions sooner. He realized this is the current way he expresses himself, and he’s committed to emoting more regularly. Instead of being like a tea kettle -- holding in all that hot energy until it eventually blows his lid -- he will try to express his feelings as the come up. Then he joked, "be careful what you wish for. Eventually, I’ll be so good at expressing myself, it will move you to tears." To that I replied, “well, that’s not saying much” (because I cry at the drop of a hat). Then we laughed, kissed each other good night, rolled over into a snuggle position and went to sleep. Another Snuggle Struggle conquered!

I used to be so afraid of having an argument or a misunderstanding. In fact, I broke up with my husband (boyfriend at the time) after our first big fight because I didn’t know how to argue properly. I think the reason some of us fear heated conversations is because they challenge our defenses. We get knocked down so much from school and family and work and rules and life, so we put up walls. Then, we get mad at the ones we love for not knowing how to take our walls down. But our loved ones didn’t build our walls. They need our help. They need us to reflect and recognize our negative patterns of behavior enough to want to change them. It can be scary to take ownership of our own behavior because that means that we are responsible for changing it; not our partners or our parents or our friends. We have to fix ourselves.

Fights still make me uncomfortable, especially in the heat of the moment, but I am grateful for the resilience that they build. I feel the deepest trust with my husband following an emotional conversation. It’s because we hold space for each other to be vulnerable, which means actively listening, without judgment. There is no better trust building exercise I’m aware of than when you’re able to share your complete truth with someone and know they still love you unconditionally. Our timing isn’t perfect yet, but it’s an ongoing process. What I’ve noticed over the years is the time between the emotional trigger and our conversations about it is shrinking.

The biggest lesson I learned from this argument is that I can spend my energy creating something positive instead of spending my energy on potentially avoiding something negative. I can plant seeds I know will grow into something beautiful or I can stand in front of my plot of land with my arms outstretched, blocking anyone who approaches, yelling, "don't mess up the soil! I'm going to use this for planting (eventually)!"

It Is Okay To Cry

My Mom told me growing up, “it’s okay to cry.” I always appreciated this because so many TV shows and movies portrayed crying like something was “wrong.” I cried a lot growing up. Much of the time, I didn't know why I was crying. I was sad but I couldn’t articulate why. Some nights I cried so hard, I think I scared my Mom, as she tried to console me. One night, the conversation ended with my Mom telling me I could take a “mental health day” from school. At the time, teenage Hannah thought “hey, I get to miss school tomorrow!” Looking back, I appreciate my Mom’s intent, which I believe was to teach me that mental health is just as important as physical health. This is one of the reasons I feel the Universe gave me great parents. I say this with curiosity and I mean no offense (I love you, Mom!) but I can’t help but wonder, if by crying and then missing a day of school, did my subconscious mind pick up on a different message? Usually when you miss a day of school (i.e. because you’re sick), it is because something is wrong. Something has happened to where you would not be able to function efficiently as a student and you need to take a break. Anytime I was seen crying growing up, I was met with some variation of, “what’s wrong?” Not just from my parents, but everyone - friends, teachers, siblings, extended relatives, society. I’m realizing now that no matter how sincere or well-intentioned the question, my brain just kept hearing the word “wrong” associated with crying. And for a highly sensitive person who cries a whole heck-of-a-lot, I started telling myself, subconsciously, “it must be me...I am wrong.”

Eventually, a pattern emerged. Crying made me feel shameful and the shame made me suppress (albeit, not well) the crying, which resulted in repressing my emotions. Cry, shame, suppress, repress, repeat. I can say now, after a lot of self-reflection, that because of this repression, I ended up not knowing how or why I was feeling anything negative. When an emotion would come up, it was so jumbled with all these other unresolved feelings that I couldn’t identify which emotion I was feeling or from where it came. My way of dealing with this was to retreat from anything that felt too emotionally taxing. Retreating took on many forms. Sometimes it was drinking to avoid my social anxiety. Sometimes it was ignoring phone calls/texts from friends and family. Sometimes it was staying in bed instead of going to class or having a conversation with anyone. As I’m writing this, I’m a little ashamed of just how much I avoided in my teens and twenties.

The first step in changing this pattern was recognizing its existence. I attribute this spark of recognition to my husband. He was the first person I opened up to who helped me process my feelings in a helpful and sustainable way and for that, I am forever grateful. I will always remember the moment I knew I was falling in love with him. We were talking on the phone about a job opportunity. I had just finished the interview and the company wanted to hire me but I was hesitant and feeling so conflicted. On the one hand, I would be utilizing both my major and minor from college and I felt like it was what I “should” be doing since I had recently graduated. On the other hand, I had this intuitive feeling that it just wasn’t the right job for me. I was crying as I told him how I really didn’t feel right about the position but I was afraid if I didn’t take the job, I would have wasted all of the money my parents gave to put me through college. He listened, patiently, as I told my whole story and could barely control my sniveling. Then when I was finished, he responded by acknowledging my feelings. He repeated what I said, adding, “it sounds like you’re feeling anxious.” How empowering that was to hear him name the emotion! For the first time, I felt a sense of detachment. The anxiety was no longer all consuming. Anxious was not my identity, I was just feeling anxious. For the first time, I felt like a romantic interest truly heard me. He acknowledged my opinion and wanted to learn more about where it came from. I had never processed my emotions in this way before. In that moment, I realized “this is how it feels to fall in love.” I knew I wanted to be with him for a long, long time because I knew he would be the best person to help me grow.

It’s been over 7 years since we had that conversation. My husband is not always comfortable when I cry. I think he, too, wonders if something is “wrong," but he is a researcher at heart and does not shy away from digging deeper. He asks what is going on and together we process my emotions. Even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation, he talks through it. I do my best to describe how I’m feeling and if I struggle, he helps me to name the emotion. There is so much power in being able to name a feeling! It creates the separation, the space, the detachment needed to get curious about what’s happening. Once there is detachment, we can calm down. We can observe the feeling and figure out how to manage it. The feeling is no longer in control. Before, I didn’t know how to detach. When I had an emotion, it took over my whole body. The emotion wasn’t something Hannah was experiencing. The emotion was Hannah. Learning how to name the emotion, then take a step back from my ego and observe has made a huge difference in my life. I haven’t stopped feeling by any means. I still feel very deeply, and I cry, but when I do, it doesn’t take over my entire life. I am able to emote without guilt, look (somewhat) objectively at the situation, fulfill the emotion, and eventually, move on.

For a minute I thought I had figured it out: life, that is. I thought, “Wow, I can cry now without ruining my day!” And then I noticed that I was crying less and less. I noticed that I wasn’t getting upset as easily as before. I started doing well enough that I thought, eventually, I would just be happy all the time because negative emotions would no longer affect me.

This didn’t last long because, obviously, life happens. Something happens at work, we get injured or sick, a family member irritates us - whatever it is, a circumstance arises that triggers an emotion. As soon as I felt like I was doing really well and I was happy, something would happen and I would find myself in low mood once again. Except this time, my low mood was compounded by the fact that I thought I had done all this work. I thought I had “gotten over” this emotion. So now, I’m upset about the circumstance and I'm upset at myself for being upset. And around I go, again. Pay attention to the loops. If you find yourself in a loop, or a repetitive pattern, there’s probably a “glitch in the Matrix,” or your record is skipping. Whichever analogy you choose, it means you have to stop, take a step back (detach), and analyze what’s happening. Analysis means actually feeling and talking about the uncomfortable emotions.

I realize now I will always feel emotions, positive and negative, for the rest of my life. I learned that my goal is not to get rid of negative emotions - that’s impossible. Negative emotions will come up regardless of how much we participate in personal development. Emotions exist to guide us, to let us know what is and is not working in our lives. Think of them like signposts or roadblocks while you’re driving. You may be trying to get to “Paradise Pl.” but then you run into a “resentment roadblock.” You could just plow through the roadblock but that’s going to damage your car and will most definitely cause problems down the road (metaphorically and literally). The best thing to do for the long term is to stop for a moment and re-evaluate your plan. Maybe it’s a tree branch that is easily movable. Maybe it’s a bigger roadblock and you’ll need to call for back-up to get past it. Whatever it is, it’s telling you that you need to stop for a moment and reevaluate your situation. This doesn’t mean you will never reach Paradise Pl. You might need to cry a little, but it doesn’t mean you were wrong to start this journey in the first place! It’s all a part of the process. Anyway, what I learned is my goal is to acknowledge and realize all emotions, including - no, especially - the negative ones.

In my current relationship with crying, I can confidently say it happens when I am feeling deeply. When I get passionate, I cry. It feels rewarding now. Crying is a trigger that something is important, that I need to pay attention, or that it's time to ask for help. Crying is a natural part of the human experience, no more or less significant than laughing. Like laughing, crying is a sign that I’m alive, I’m authentic, and I’m in line with my true self. I feel a physical shift in my body when I am done. My head is more clear, my chest is less heavy and, dare I say, my skin is glowing afterwards. I respect crying now. I believe it is an important part of who I am and I welcome the tears as the come.

And so, to my Mom, thank you for planting the seed of knowledge that health comprises the mind and the body equally. I recognize it is my job to water the seed - to find my own way into fully understanding and building a healthy, happy life for myself. Just know that I’m working off a solid foundation, starting from both you and Dad - I cannot thank you enough. 

Gender Roles

When I was about 9 or 10, I remember sitting next to my dad on an airplane. As we waited for the plane to take off, I was sitting there with my right leg crossed over my left leg - my right ankle resting on my left knee. My dad looked at my posture and said, “that’s how a boy sits.” He took my right leg in his hands and moved it so that the back of my right knee was touching the front of my left knee, so my thighs were touching and legs were closed. He jokingly moved my leg back and forth a couple of times explaining, “boy sits, girl sits”. Even though I recognize this as my dad being playful, and I know he wouldn’t have been upset if I sat the other way, this memory sticks out to me. “Why is this a rule,” I thought, “when I’m physically capable, as a girl, of sitting this way?” 

Categorizing people, places, and things is something we do as humans. It’s helpful to understand the world around us. A category provides information about what something looks like, acts like, and how it relates to the bigger picture. When events happen that are outside of the expected behavior of a “category,” it confuses people and we want to find a way to “justify” the behavior. We have categories for food like fruit, vegetables, carbohydrates, proteins, fats, etc. When deciding what to eat, you may pick a combination of these categories to make sure you have a balanced diet. Have you heard people argue about whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable? Some people can get really animated. We categorize learning curriculum based on different subjects. It is understood that someone pursuing a degree in mathematics doesn't necessarily need to take a drama course in order to be a successful mathematician. We categorize locations based on climates and we expect certain weather patterns based on these categories. If you visited San Diego, CA in the middle of July and it was cold and raining, you would think “this is unusual weather for southern California.” 

As a culture, we’ve categorized people as either male or female largely based on their biological sex organs. If a baby is born with a penis (or what looks like one), it is called a boy. If a baby is born with a vagina (or what looks like one), it is called a girl. Then as the child grows up, it is taught to behave in a way that a “girl” or a “boy” would behave. But gender is not that easy to define! Gender is not just “girl” or “boy”, “male” or “female”. Even sex organs are not as easy as "penis or vagina," “testes or ovaries”, “XY or XX”. The term intersex describes a variety of conditions in which a person’s sexual or reproductive anatomy does not fit the typical definition of female or male when they are born. Around 1 in 1,500 to 1 in 2,000 babies are born with atypical genitalia. The point is, even biologically speaking, sex is not one or the other. 

I think, in general, categorizing can be helpful. However, when it comes to something as nuanced as a human being, categorizing behavior based on a binary idea stifles self-expression and causes a great deal of shame and guilt. Gender is a spectrum. Telling a boy he is not allowed to play with dolls just because “boys don’t do that” is different than telling a boy he can’t flap his arms and fly away. Why do we teach children to behave in a way that is not based on their physical capabilities but instead on a belief that we made up?

My parents never forbade me from doing anything that was too “boyish” when I was young, but all the media and cultural “norms” I grew up with definitely “steered” me in a direction. In elementary school, girls were required to wear a dress or skirt uniform while boys wore pants or shorts. Outside of elementary school, I grew up watching Disney movies which taught me, as a girl, that I am a “damsel in distress” who must be “saved” by a prince. When I was a preteen, I remember reading my older sister’s Teen Vogue (or was it Seventeen?) magazines which talked about make-up and crushes on boys and first kiss stories. On the one hand, my parents would say things like “you can do anything/be anything you want,” and I knew that was theoretically true. On the other hand, I saw the way my classmates poked fun at the androgynous choices one girl made during free-dress days and I didn’t want to stick out. So I spent most of my time growing up trying to “blend in.” I went to a public high school, so no uniforms. I did what I could to express myself through clothing, but I was still very soft spoken and didn’t have many close friends. In a school of 3,000 kids, I flew under the radar enough that I didn’t fall prey to any “mean girls” (at least not to my face). When I started having sex, I knew I couldn’t talk openly about it because 1) I didn’t have a boyfriend and 2) I didn’t plan on turning my sexual encounters into an exclusive relationship. If I had been a boy, my friends would have cheered me on, celebrating my “conquests.” Being a girl meant I was a “slut” to anyone who knew about what I was doing. I remember one time, I was hanging out with a boy from one of my classes. We had smoked some pot together and were casually watching TV. Suddenly, he said his mom would be home soon and asked if we were going to have sex or not. I said “no, why” kind of surprised and he said “oh, I thought that’s what you do.” In that moment, I thought “oh shit, who else thinks this about me? Who told him? Who has he told?” 

When I met my now husband, I hadn’t had a long term relationship before. I had “dated” (read: slept) around, but he was the first person I could see myself committing to long term. So growing sexually was a new concept to me. Up until this relationship, the only sex I was used to having was the spur-of-the-moment, lustful sex you have with someone who you don’t plan on seeing again or are only dating for a short time. Before Zach, I had never been with anyone long enough to get past the new relationship energy. After Zach and I made it out of the “honeymoon phase,” we started exploring alternative ways to get each other off. I was so used to being in the submissive role that when the idea presented itself that I could be dominant, I got a little nervous. Being dominant means I have to make decisions? I have to be assertive? I have to initiate and lead the sexual experience? Damsels in distress don’t lead! Being more assertive and decisive has always been a goal of mine. I know I can be flighty and timid. I’ve always wanted to work on this so you would think this was my perfect opportunity, right? Well, it was, but it took me awhile to appreciate it. It’s not easy for a timid person to jump right in to being dominant. Luckily I have a supportive partner who helped me by telling me what he thought would be sexy so I had a jumping off point. I’ve always enjoyed the art of acting so I started by “fleshing out my character” based on the skeletal structure that was my husband’s fantasy. It started off as acting, but as time went on, I realized I was getting really into my character. We would finish a scene and I’d be turned on and want to keep going. It was exhilarating and liberating to take on a new role in the bedroom. And low and behold, this “role play” I started experimenting with slowing started bleeding into my everyday life. I attribute much of the confidence I’ve gained over the years to these “acting” lessons. I guess there is some truth to the “fake it ‘til you make it” phrase. And if you do it right, some of the “faking” can lead to a very real orgasm.

Another memory I have from being a kid was always waiting until the last minute to decide on my Halloween costume. One year, I was particularly late. It must have been down to the day of Halloween. I decided I would dress up as a businessman. While the other girls my age were dressing up like their favorite princess, I was wearing a mascara mustache, one of my dad’s sport coats, and went trick-or-treating with his briefcase to hold my candy. It was last minute and it was awesome. My mom did a great job with the mustache. If I wasn’t prepubescent, people would have thought I was a real businessman. My point is, nobody else is you and no one’s idea of who you should be should matter, except yours. My wise (and slightly drunk) husband once said, “Gender is an idea” to the 711 attendant who was making fun of him wearing my “lady’s” sunhat. Yes, my love, you are exactly right. Thank you.

x

Honeymoon Hangover

My husband and I were married on 10/6/2018. We had a big party with 100 people in attendance (mostly family and a few close friends). There is so much build up to the big day and then it happens, the wedding, the party, the praise, the celebration, and then it’s over. And just like many drugs, the higher you go, the farther you fall. Today, on my first blog about Snuggle Struggles, I’d like to talk about the honeymoon hangover and what I learned from it.

This is probably the hardest part about being married so far (note: written June, 2019). The wedding was such a fun party and we went straight from a fun party to a vacation which was another party for 7 days. Then we came home. It’s really hard to go back to “life as usual” after such a big high. My only expectation for the wedding was to have fun and when the day came around, everything went better than expected. Zach and I had SUCH a great time! We danced, we drank, we expressed our love in front of 100 people, and didn’t apologize for anything. Our guests danced all night as well and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I even heard the DJ say, “I think that was the best first dance I’ve ever seen.” That was all I wanted for my wedding: a day to be unabashedly ourselves. We got to love on each other and party and we were celebrated for both. Honestly, being the center of attention was what I adored most about the wedding day. I was so proud of my vows I wanted to yell them loud enough for everyone to hear. I was so proud of our song choices, I couldn’t stop dancing. Instead of cake, we had wheels of cheese stacked on top of one another to look like cake. I was so giggly, I couldn’t stop making “cut the cheese” jokes. I am so proud of my relationship with Zach, I always want to talk about it. This was the day when I didn’t have to be modest. I got to boast about my love and only receive admiration and love in return. Then in Mexico, we partied some more. We danced, we swam, we drank cheap booze, we explored the city, we bought cheap drugs, we had sex during the power outage at the hotel, and we napped in each others’ arms. Then when we got home, we had to go back to our “day jobs.” Nobody was celebrating us anymore.

Getting back into the swing of things was a hard transition. We continued celebrating on our own which usually meant more drinking. It took me a few weeks to realize what I was doing. My body didn’t feel good and all the work I put into getting into shape for the wedding kind of went out the window. Zach and I both stopped exercising regularly. There was a little surge of energy again when our photos came out. They were awesome and I got some instant gratification from “likes” on social media and people discussing the wedding again. All of this got me thinking about celebrations in general. It feels like we limit ourselves to specific times when are “allowed” to celebrate and not feel guilty such as weddings, baby showers, birthdays, holidays, promotions, etc. People plan so hard for the big day because they want it to look perfect. Sometimes people spend so much time and effort making the wedding look perfect that they don’t actually enjoy the day for themselves. The reason we received so many compliments on our wedding was because the two of us just had a great time. We made the wedding exactly the way we wanted it and when the day came, we didn’t worry about anything except for having fun. We got to be our wild, happy, celebratory, drunk-and-in-love selves for a day and we were celebrated for it. It was hard to go from a VIP back to a cog in a wheel at a job I didn’t enjoy.

Weddings are like drugs. All the adrenaline and love from your family and friends, the high, stops with the music at the end of the night and you start to “come down”. I can see why people have babies so soon after getting married. It’s a great way to keep the celebrations going for a few more months. People say you tend to “let yourself go” once you get married because you “don’t have to impress anyone anymore.” I hate that. Why should we stop impressing each other? I realized I was at the beginning of “letting myself go” when I wouldn’t stop drinking. Who knew it could happen so fast! My excuse was “I’m celebrating -- I just got married!” but that excuse got tired after about 3 months. I was no longer celebrating, I was numbing. I was pushing away the sadness that was waiting to wash over me whenever I had a quiet moment.

After cutting myself some slack for several months, I started to slowly crawl out of my cold cave. I realized as I slowed the drinking down and started analyzing my behavior that I was being selfish. I was moping around, missing all this admiration, craving attention and celebration about my “great relationship,” all the while, not showing up for the one person who made it great in the first place. Here was my new husband right in front of me, and I wasn’t loving on him. I wasn’t behaving like someone who deserved praise. I was avoiding my feelings and I was not doing anything to impress my husband or myself for that matter. If I was going to preach about how we shouldn’t “let ourselves go” after marriage, then I had better stop numbing my feelings and eating shitty food. I wasn’t eating at home very much because I wasn’t shopping while drunk and I didn’t feel like shopping when I was hungover. I wasn’t exercising for the same reasons. This all coincided with the decision to complete a 180 degree career change and become a love and relationship coach. If I was going to be a love coach, I thought, then I needed to lead by example. I needed to start creating reasons to celebrate. You don’t have to save your celebrations for a special occasion, but if you’re going to celebrate on a random Tuesday, it should be because you’ve created a life worth celebrating. Celebrate because you are proud of yourself. Don’t take permission from some arbitrary alliteration (you like that?), like Taco Tuesday, to celebrate an otherwise unfulfilling week. Do something that makes you proud to be alive and celebrate that accomplishment. I think “letting yourself go” can become synonymous with “complacent” if you aren’t careful. The honeymoon hangover was a good reminder to not become complacent in my relationship. I want to be someone who my partner will always be proud to have married. I want to continue to grow and become a better version of myself. I think that is the key to a lasting, fulfilling relationship. You have to keep generating “new energy” to keep the relationship exciting and fun. If we become complacent, the energy becomes old, stagnant, and stale. The only way to bring new energy in is to continue to grow, learn, and try new things. So that is my goal for this relationship. I want to lead by example, grow, and always strive to be a better version of myself so that the next time I celebrate on a random Tuesday, I can have a toast to more than just “tacos”.

Hannah
@LYFCoachKuglen