My Mom told me growing up, “it’s okay to cry.” I always appreciated this because so many TV shows and movies portrayed crying like something was “wrong.” I cried a lot growing up. Much of the time, I didn't know why I was crying. I was sad but I couldn’t articulate why. Some nights I cried so hard, I think I scared my Mom, as she tried to console me. One night, the conversation ended with my Mom telling me I could take a “mental health day” from school. At the time, teenage Hannah thought “hey, I get to miss school tomorrow!” Looking back, I appreciate my Mom’s intent, which I believe was to teach me that mental health is just as important as physical health. This is one of the reasons I feel the Universe gave me great parents. I say this with curiosity and I mean no offense (I love you, Mom!) but I can’t help but wonder, if by crying and then missing a day of school, did my subconscious mind pick up on a different message? Usually when you miss a day of school (i.e. because you’re sick), it is because something is wrong. Something has happened to where you would not be able to function efficiently as a student and you need to take a break. Anytime I was seen crying growing up, I was met with some variation of, “what’s wrong?” Not just from my parents, but everyone - friends, teachers, siblings, extended relatives, society. I’m realizing now that no matter how sincere or well-intentioned the question, my brain just kept hearing the word “wrong” associated with crying. And for a highly sensitive person who cries a whole heck-of-a-lot, I started telling myself, subconsciously, “it must be me...I am wrong.”
Eventually, a pattern emerged. Crying made me feel shameful and the shame made me suppress (albeit, not well) the crying, which resulted in repressing my emotions. Cry, shame, suppress, repress, repeat. I can say now, after a lot of self-reflection, that because of this repression, I ended up not knowing how or why I was feeling anything negative. When an emotion would come up, it was so jumbled with all these other unresolved feelings that I couldn’t identify which emotion I was feeling or from where it came. My way of dealing with this was to retreat from anything that felt too emotionally taxing. Retreating took on many forms. Sometimes it was drinking to avoid my social anxiety. Sometimes it was ignoring phone calls/texts from friends and family. Sometimes it was staying in bed instead of going to class or having a conversation with anyone. As I’m writing this, I’m a little ashamed of just how much I avoided in my teens and twenties.
The first step in changing this pattern was recognizing its existence. I attribute this spark of recognition to my husband. He was the first person I opened up to who helped me process my feelings in a helpful and sustainable way and for that, I am forever grateful. I will always remember the moment I knew I was falling in love with him. We were talking on the phone about a job opportunity. I had just finished the interview and the company wanted to hire me but I was hesitant and feeling so conflicted. On the one hand, I would be utilizing both my major and minor from college and I felt like it was what I “should” be doing since I had recently graduated. On the other hand, I had this intuitive feeling that it just wasn’t the right job for me. I was crying as I told him how I really didn’t feel right about the position but I was afraid if I didn’t take the job, I would have wasted all of the money my parents gave to put me through college. He listened, patiently, as I told my whole story and could barely control my sniveling. Then when I was finished, he responded by acknowledging my feelings. He repeated what I said, adding, “it sounds like you’re feeling anxious.” How empowering that was to hear him name the emotion! For the first time, I felt a sense of detachment. The anxiety was no longer all consuming. Anxious was not my identity, I was just feeling anxious. For the first time, I felt like a romantic interest truly heard me. He acknowledged my opinion and wanted to learn more about where it came from. I had never processed my emotions in this way before. In that moment, I realized “this is how it feels to fall in love.” I knew I wanted to be with him for a long, long time because I knew he would be the best person to help me grow.
It’s been over 7 years since we had that conversation. My husband is not always comfortable when I cry. I think he, too, wonders if something is “wrong," but he is a researcher at heart and does not shy away from digging deeper. He asks what is going on and together we process my emotions. Even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation, he talks through it. I do my best to describe how I’m feeling and if I struggle, he helps me to name the emotion. There is so much power in being able to name a feeling! It creates the separation, the space, the detachment needed to get curious about what’s happening. Once there is detachment, we can calm down. We can observe the feeling and figure out how to manage it. The feeling is no longer in control. Before, I didn’t know how to detach. When I had an emotion, it took over my whole body. The emotion wasn’t something Hannah was experiencing. The emotion was Hannah. Learning how to name the emotion, then take a step back from my ego and observe has made a huge difference in my life. I haven’t stopped feeling by any means. I still feel very deeply, and I cry, but when I do, it doesn’t take over my entire life. I am able to emote without guilt, look (somewhat) objectively at the situation, fulfill the emotion, and eventually, move on.
For a minute I thought I had figured it out: life, that is. I thought, “Wow, I can cry now without ruining my day!” And then I noticed that I was crying less and less. I noticed that I wasn’t getting upset as easily as before. I started doing well enough that I thought, eventually, I would just be happy all the time because negative emotions would no longer affect me.
This didn’t last long because, obviously, life happens. Something happens at work, we get injured or sick, a family member irritates us - whatever it is, a circumstance arises that triggers an emotion. As soon as I felt like I was doing really well and I was happy, something would happen and I would find myself in low mood once again. Except this time, my low mood was compounded by the fact that I thought I had done all this work. I thought I had “gotten over” this emotion. So now, I’m upset about the circumstance and I'm upset at myself for being upset. And around I go, again. Pay attention to the loops. If you find yourself in a loop, or a repetitive pattern, there’s probably a “glitch in the Matrix,” or your record is skipping. Whichever analogy you choose, it means you have to stop, take a step back (detach), and analyze what’s happening. Analysis means actually feeling and talking about the uncomfortable emotions.
I realize now I will always feel emotions, positive and negative, for the rest of my life. I learned that my goal is not to get rid of negative emotions - that’s impossible. Negative emotions will come up regardless of how much we participate in personal development. Emotions exist to guide us, to let us know what is and is not working in our lives. Think of them like signposts or roadblocks while you’re driving. You may be trying to get to “Paradise Pl.” but then you run into a “resentment roadblock.” You could just plow through the roadblock but that’s going to damage your car and will most definitely cause problems down the road (metaphorically and literally). The best thing to do for the long term is to stop for a moment and re-evaluate your plan. Maybe it’s a tree branch that is easily movable. Maybe it’s a bigger roadblock and you’ll need to call for back-up to get past it. Whatever it is, it’s telling you that you need to stop for a moment and reevaluate your situation. This doesn’t mean you will never reach Paradise Pl. You might need to cry a little, but it doesn’t mean you were wrong to start this journey in the first place! It’s all a part of the process. Anyway, what I learned is my goal is to acknowledge and realize all emotions, including - no, especially - the negative ones.
In my current relationship with crying, I can confidently say it happens when I am feeling deeply. When I get passionate, I cry. It feels rewarding now. Crying is a trigger that something is important, that I need to pay attention, or that it's time to ask for help. Crying is a natural part of the human experience, no more or less significant than laughing. Like laughing, crying is a sign that I’m alive, I’m authentic, and I’m in line with my true self. I feel a physical shift in my body when I am done. My head is more clear, my chest is less heavy and, dare I say, my skin is glowing afterwards. I respect crying now. I believe it is an important part of who I am and I welcome the tears as the come.
And so, to my Mom, thank you for planting the seed of knowledge that health comprises the mind and the body equally. I recognize it is my job to water the seed - to find my own way into fully understanding and building a healthy, happy life for myself. Just know that I’m working off a solid foundation, starting from both you and Dad - I cannot thank you enough.
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