How Grounding Helped My Sex Life

There are many ways to improve your sex life. I used to think the only way to improve was to have more sex. Of course practice does help, but today I want to talk about an effective way to improve pleasure that doesn’t even involve sex!

Last year, I read a book called The Wild Woman’s Way by Michaela Boehm. Throughout the book, she talks about how everyone carries inside two energies. She refers to these as the “go” and “flow” energies (aka Shiva and Shakti or “masculine” and “feminine”). “Go” is the consciousness energy. It stems from our head, it’s task oriented. Think of the energy you use when you’re sitting at a computer or trying to solve a problem with your mind. “Flow” on the other hand, is the active energy. It resides in our body and it’s active when your are in motion, present, and feeling pleasure. In our western culture, we emphasize and reward “go” mode most of the time and it can be easy to get stuck in this state -- to get stuck “in your head.” But both “go” and “flow” energies are needed to have a fulfilling sexual experience.

Many couples grapple with issues of sexual interest and initiation, especially in long term relationships. Couples may go through times of less sexual arousal and less fulfillment. The analogy used in the book goes like this: imagine being completely unexcited or unaroused as a “0” and having an orgasm as “100.” If you are working all day in “go” mode, you’re tired, stressed (maybe you hate your job), and come home to a horny partner, trying to achieve an orgasm is like going from 0-100. On the other hand, if you take time out of your day to intentionally nurture your “flow” energy, the next time you want to achieve an orgasm, you may only be going from 60-100.

This analogy changed the way I approach my sex life. One of the struggles I have with enjoying sex is that I get stuck in my head. If I think about wanting an orgasm too much, I can’t get there. Sometimes I worry about the other person so much, I can’t enjoy myself. If I’m stressed outside of the bedroom, I have trouble relaxing, and my mind wanders during sex. I’m stuck in “go” mode. Before reading this book, I hadn’t thought about trying body-conscious activities outside the bedroom to help improve pleasure in the bedroom.

Since finishing this book, I have been practicing grounding exercises and they have really enhanced my sex life. I consider a grounding exercise as anything that helps me connect with one or more of my five senses. One practice the book suggests is Michaela’s “Non-Linear Movement Method:” turn on a song (preferably with no words) and move to the music. You can call it dancing but it’s not really dancing. However you are compelled to move, do it. If this sounds too “strange” to you, there are plenty of other grounding exercises. Here are 3 of my favorites to bring me back into my body:

1) Walking Barefoot:

Connecting my feet with the earth calms my mind. I like walking on grass, especially, but you can walk barefoot on the beach, dirt, or even gravel (ouch). I use this activity because it activates my sense of touch and nature always makes me feel better. Studies have suggested a connection between this grounding exercise and reducing stress, improving sleep quality, and decreasing muscle tension. You can experience the same effects using your hands. For example, gardening without gloves on or climbing a tree (yes, I am a tree-hugger)! I leave my shoes off as much as possible and when I have an opportunity to put my feet in the dirt, I indulge.

2) Cooking

I love chopping fresh herbs like garlic, parsley, cilantro, sage, anything that has a strong scent. I enjoy this activity because it not only activates my sense of smell but I get to be creative, as well, in the cooking process. And who doesn’t like having a meal cooked for them? I get to enjoy grounding myself and then the reward of serving friends or family a delicious meal.

3) Sitting Quietly

I call this one sitting quietly instead of meditation, because sometimes meditation feels overwhelming. When I first tried meditating, I thought I was failing because I couldn’t clear my mind. You are not bad at meditating if you can’t clear your mind! The point is to sit quietly and focus on your breathing. If your mind starts to wander, just notice that it is wandering and gently bring your attention back to your breathing. It is natural to wander! Once I understood the point was not to clear my mind, I started getting more benefits out of my quiet time. This activity is most helpful when practiced daily -- all you need is 10-15 minutes! I feel more present and relaxed during this activity and after I’m finished, the feeling carries on throughout my day. Slowing down does wonders for the creative process, too.

The point of these activities is to get back in touch with my five senses. They help me feel more in touch with my body, where the “flow” energy stems. None of these activities are inherently sexual either, but they have improved my sex life. It’s hard to switch from “go go go” to “present, relaxed and sensual” at the drop of a hat (or pants). But if I’m practicing grounding exercises on a daily basis, I am primed for relaxation and pleasure. Instead of starting from 0, I’m starting from 50, 60, or 70 by the time I do anything sexy.

This book also made me think more deeply about the separation between mind awareness and body awareness. They do not have to be mutually exclusive but I realized I was definitely more in touch with one than the other. For me, it was the mind connection. Since I’ve started focusing more on grounding, my body connection has become stronger.

As I mentioned before, awareness of both mind and body are needed in order to have a fulfilling sexual adventure. In my experience, awareness is usually evenly split with one partner being more mind-conscious and one partner more body-conscious. I realize now the role of “submissive” is a much more body-conscious activity for me. As a stereotypical female, I have been used to playing this “role” for most of my active sex life. In hindsight, I wasn’t enjoying it to the fullest because I was stuck in my head most of the time. This focus on my mind is much more useful for a “dominant” role. Strengthening my mind-body connection has inspired me to switch between roles from dominant to submissive with more ease and enjoyment. If I’m feeling more “go,” I enjoy being dominant which looks like me leading the sexual experience and giving more than I’m receiving. If I’m feeling more “flow,” I enjoy being submissive which looks like me “following the leader” and receiving more than I’m giving. Sex is fun for me in a different way now. I feel like I have more control over my pleasure. It’s no longer all about the orgasm. Instead, it’s an entire experience that I get to create with my partner(s). As Dan Savage puts it, “sex is like cops and robbers with your clothes off,” so have fun with it!

What I Learned From Our Latest Snuggle Struggle

I got called out.

My husband and I got into an argument last night. He told me I “never” do this, or “always” do that and my ego wanted to jump in and say, “that’s impossible! You can’t use words like that!” I had to try hard to restrain myself and replace “never” and “always” with “sometimes.” I care more about the fact that he was hurt by this than the semantics of the argument. The other urge I had to fight off was the urge to keep score. I wanted to say “you should appreciate me more, I do [this, this, and this] for us and why didn’t you acknowledge any of those things.” But that wasn’t the point of this conversation and keeping score only makes things worse. The point was, my husband was feeling stressed and he was reaching out for help. He maybe wasn’t reaching out in the way I would have liked but I also understand he’s not the most tactful when he’s expressing anger.

Then he said something I was unprepared for. He said that I should stop focusing so much on not making people mad and focus more on what makes people happy. Ouch. I do focus a great deal of time worrying about making people mad or ruminating on whether or not I left someone uncomfortable after an interaction. The funny thing is, those two concepts sound almost like the same thing. I thought if I wasn’t making people mad, I must have been making them happy. I'm a little surprised how long my subliminal justification lasted.

For those of you who are thinking, “well what about his behavior? Are you not justifying his behavior by taking all of the blame? Girl, don’t let him talk to you like that!” No. I’m not taking all of the blame, and I believe he has just as much self development work to do as I and I wish that he had his own blog so you could hear his side of the story. But alas, this is my blog, and I am the hero. This is about my lesson, not his.

So here’s what I realized about trying not to make people mad versus trying to make people happy. The spectrum of emotions is vast. If I’m focusing so much on avoiding one feeling, that does not automatically mean I’m indulging it’s opposite. What’s really happening? By focusing on not hurting peoples feelings, I am tip-toeing around most of the time. And I think that people don’t notice it but they do! It might not be a conscious awareness but subconsciously, at the very least, people pick up on the energy I’m putting out. If feelings are energetic vibrations in our body, what kind of vibrations am I sending out by tip-toeing? I’m sending out anxiety, fear, worry, concern, apprehension, consternation (I just googled synonyms for anxiety). Those are the feelings I have when I tip-toe. Those are the signals I’m sending to the ones I love by “trying not to make them uncomfortable.” And furthermore, if I feel someone is sending me anxious vibes, I get very uncomfortable. Is trying not to make people uncomfortable a self-fulfilling prophecy?

What would it feel like if, instead of thinking about not making people mad, I thought about what makes them happy? What vibrations would I be sending out? If I think about what I believe makes people happy, I feel excitement, anticipation, joy, enthusiasm, elation, and happiness! I would much rather be sending out these vibes. I think I knew this instinctively as a child. I was playful and curious and made people laugh. How did I go from playful and curious to scared and angry?  

The part I love the most about these arguments with my husband (yes, I said love) are the endings. I come out of every argument with a deeper understanding of my partner and myself. We end each argument with a commitment or a realization. After this conversation, I committed to asking myself, “what do I think would make my husband happy, today,” instead of tip-toeing around, anxiously thinking about what might make him upset. He acknowledged his outbursts are a result of not expressing his emotions sooner. He realized this is the current way he expresses himself, and he’s committed to emoting more regularly. Instead of being like a tea kettle -- holding in all that hot energy until it eventually blows his lid -- he will try to express his feelings as the come up. Then he joked, "be careful what you wish for. Eventually, I’ll be so good at expressing myself, it will move you to tears." To that I replied, “well, that’s not saying much” (because I cry at the drop of a hat). Then we laughed, kissed each other good night, rolled over into a snuggle position and went to sleep. Another Snuggle Struggle conquered!

I used to be so afraid of having an argument or a misunderstanding. In fact, I broke up with my husband (boyfriend at the time) after our first big fight because I didn’t know how to argue properly. I think the reason some of us fear heated conversations is because they challenge our defenses. We get knocked down so much from school and family and work and rules and life, so we put up walls. Then, we get mad at the ones we love for not knowing how to take our walls down. But our loved ones didn’t build our walls. They need our help. They need us to reflect and recognize our negative patterns of behavior enough to want to change them. It can be scary to take ownership of our own behavior because that means that we are responsible for changing it; not our partners or our parents or our friends. We have to fix ourselves.

Fights still make me uncomfortable, especially in the heat of the moment, but I am grateful for the resilience that they build. I feel the deepest trust with my husband following an emotional conversation. It’s because we hold space for each other to be vulnerable, which means actively listening, without judgment. There is no better trust building exercise I’m aware of than when you’re able to share your complete truth with someone and know they still love you unconditionally. Our timing isn’t perfect yet, but it’s an ongoing process. What I’ve noticed over the years is the time between the emotional trigger and our conversations about it is shrinking.

The biggest lesson I learned from this argument is that I can spend my energy creating something positive instead of spending my energy on potentially avoiding something negative. I can plant seeds I know will grow into something beautiful or I can stand in front of my plot of land with my arms outstretched, blocking anyone who approaches, yelling, "don't mess up the soil! I'm going to use this for planting (eventually)!"